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Office shorts #4

I'm working on this job that puts me in a coma once a day. I'm talking about that level of pointlessness & boredom that puts one into sleep with open eyes. And the sad thing is, the results of this work could mean homelessness for people. And in the back of my mind with those last dying sparks of lucidity I'm thinking “is this the right job for me? is this what I'm supposed to do with my time to get to that next step on the ladder that I think I should be on?” and I click and I type and slow-blink.

I was in the middle of a mental resuscitation today when the asteroid hit; this old colleague who has recently moved office has been promoted. The girl is 10 years younger than me, started the same time as me and has stuck with the same team for five years and here I am, in a coma dying of jealousy. I can see why. I would promote her over me in a heartbeat. She’s consistent, she's good at that one thing, but then decided to take on a challenge; she took her time, she got the job done. Me? I've skipped around, I've done half assed jobs on multiple platforms, aspiring to be better, to do something more interesting and all the while seething with anger, frustration and dying of boredom with no one to vouch for me. All I do is leave.

 

I’ve been lining up meetings with different people trying to scope out this new team and my next focus area. Earlier last week I got a call from an old colleague warning me about the quality of the work he has seen from my team, telling me I can always reach out to him if I have a question. two weeks ago maybe it was that I was setting my plans for what I want to do. In honesty, I don't know these people. I don't know their politics and games. I don't know who's good at what. I'm scared and skeptical. I don’t come to work to fucking be Claire Underwood in fucking house of cards. All I want is an 8-5 job I’m good at. I want to choose that one thing that will make up for those lost six years of agony. Because hasn’t that been the running theme of my career?

 

I sat by the window looking out, swallowing the lunch that tasted like nothing and avoiding people. M tried to distract me with stories about his day. I just couldn't. I said “I'm sorry I'm having a **** day. I’m not interested in your day.”

-what can I do to distract you?

-Nothing. I just have to wait for this day to end so I can go home and turn on Netflix & eat a bag of chips & I forget I have this life.

He took the dishes and left.

 

I've deleted Instagram from my phone, so I opened Facebook, the next worse thing. and then like magic this message happened and I'm not in a coma, I don’t want chips. I just need to go home and open that tattered book and read about the woman destroyed.

“One always has to wait until the sugar melts, the memory dies, the wound scars over, the sun sets, the unhappiness lifts and fades away.”

― Simone de Beauvoir, The Woman Destroyed

need to read this again!

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