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3 out of 52


This started in the hope of being a weekly thing. It was even named in that hope: Notes from Saturdays". Apparently there have been 3 Saturdays since January 1, 2022. What a truly shit year it's been so far!

I don't write. For many reasons; One, my stale mood. Two, not much to say that I think anyone would want to read. Three, does anyone read this? If it's just me writing to myself, well it's already in my head, why take it out to shove it back in?!

But then I saw tonight that I had totally forgotten how my last New Year went. I'm glad I had written it here.

I'm extremely lonely... and mortal. There's no need to dramatise my mortality like that really. I'm no more mortal than anyone else. We all can equally drop dead any minute. But what I'm trying to say is, if I drop dead now, there will be nothing left of my existence. Nothing will outlive me. Not even a tree. In fact there will even be fewer trees because of me. What I'm saying is, if I don't write, all these moments I've lived & thoughts I've thought will have only one way to exist & that's through my "great" memory. Once I forget them it'd be as if they/I never existed. Like when my aunt died of COVID & I realised with her vanishing, if I forget my childhood memories around her, it would be no different than her never existing, me never existing. Hence this very average entry of my day: Existential panic.

I cried in the car today. I had another angry frustrated outburst in the car, reliving my daily dose of humiliation at work; today's episode: my smart-ass colleague making me look & feel like shit. I told M all about it, justified, analysed, played victim & ended by crying in the parking lot of the supermarket. Then he went to get us chicken burger patties for dinner & I scrolled on instagram. Life fucking goes on.

I have nothing to show for today than this feeling like shit. How's that OK at my age?

By the way. I'm going to write every week this year. I'm behind 27 weeks.


Comments

Sudi said…
Hey I am here ....
August 11, 2022 at 6:07 PM
The woman next door said…
Good to see you Unknown...
August 14, 2022 at 12:22 AM
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