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I'm not good at this game

 If all aspects of one's life should be in harmony I should not be writing this. It doesn't go with the rest of my life, this existence model I've chosen. 

I read/heard half of a book about two teenagers who were violently and continuously bullied in school by their psychopathic classmates. They took the beating up and insults silently to a masochistic degree. 3 hours of listening to consistent pathetic silent self defining suffering. I returned the book to the library half way of course. I have no time or energy for stories about pathetic people who do nothing to break a vicious cycle, who take all the suffering and think it makes them special, it defines them. While the world around them moves on, people grow up, grow old, die, and no one learns a life lesson about not bullying the hell out of others. I have no energy, full stop. 

The difficulty is, we all think we are doing something to break the cycle. We want to believe we are not passive. I believe that endlessly whining about my job means I really want a change. I think talking to my manager about my long hours and the little help I'm getting means I've spoken up & done something to deserve an improvement, that thinking about migrating is a strong move in rejecting the cycle of abuse. But in reality, I'm just a coward who lives on micro-rebellion and self-victimization. Even this confession is a feel-good coverup. Oh, look! I am so aware of how pathetic I am. I am the wisest  of cowards. At least I'm not delusional. 

But I am. & what's worse? I'm a cheat. I can no longer tell what's a genuine feeling and what's my plot. I start a game, I make an attempt at learning the rules and play the game, like everyone else. Then halfway through, I realize I'm really shit at this, I'll never win. So I start kicking, throwing up my hands, calling it boring, abusive, a waste of my precious time, & deep down I know the whole time how I wish I was good at this game.

I'm standing outside myself now. I'm looking at myself. I'm thinking "Enough with this shit show. What are you really gonna do? What's your fucking game?"

I'm scared to find out.

I wish I could return this book.

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