I messaged and said "Dial me in. I have no Seens this year, hahaha". They said OK.
Baba forwarded a message with 7 Seens in poetry, he must have received the message through a chat group or something. It was sweet. I sent a kiss back.
I spent the rest of the New Year's Eve dragging my sad ass from room to room, phone in hand, staying at an acceptable proximity to M while not being in the way. He was making a roast -which turned out awful, still digesting it at 11am the next day-, then he was building his new office desk, then was announcing our drill's been stolen -which I found in the mess that's garage. I sat on the floor nearby, watching, just as we did on these nights back Home, sitting on the kitchen floor, in the hall by the radiator, in maman's workshop past midnight, anywhere that you could hear the house around you, anywhere that life was afloat.
I finally went to bed when M was done, stared at the ugly print on the wall for about 5 minutes, hugged M, stared a bit more, turned off my phone & went to sleep with an audiobook. Rain was slamming, wind was howling. I got up & closed the window.
Baba was cooking in a kitchen that wasn't ours. I can't quite remember the details except for fragments of conversations with S, people getting ready for a party, baba cooking on a gas stove, a house that wasn't ours & then an explosion. I woke with a fright in a dark room & realised it was only thunder. Baba was probably safe in our own living room 23 hours away staring at a lousy TV show with my uncle waiting for dinner or the New Year. I placed my head back on the pillow.
It was still stormy & grey when I finally got up at 8. No power, no hot water, no wifi, many New Year messages, a group call missed. I call maman & everyone says happy new year. It's not happy. I'm lying. It's a lonely empty old as fuck new year.
Ever since then I've been dragging my ass around the house with phone in one hand, checking & rechecking the messages that have stopped coming through. In the other hand, a pocket copy of Franny & Zooey, my notebook & pens & pencils in case I have an epiphany that shows my life isn't a waste of time & other dimensions. I took the day off. I go from room to room, sky finally clears outside, I feel grey inside, I sit down & draw my existence, It has a strange resemblance to a long drop with little people around it.
Power's back on, I update the computers, write a note. Time passes on a day that's more marked by a power outage in the neighbourhood than any new beginnings. It's not even Spring.
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