They say it takes 3 things to go wrong for a plane to crash: Human error, weather and the plane itself.
Not sure about the numbers but as I balled myself up, painfully awake past midnight in the unfamiliar bed in my friend's guest bedroom, I knew my near destruction was the sum effect of at least 3 elements: my loneliness, my joke of a career and my bloated bowels. If I haven't fallen apart yet, there must be a forth anchor still standing, like 4 pins you press down into the sand to hold the corners of the flimsy tent that's your "existence". The melancholy is there, bold and undeniable but you still get up and dress for work every morning, still show up to functions and dinners and make stupid conversations. Until you come home, look yourself in the mirror and puke all that masquerade.
I was in the weekly meeting when the thought crept into my head: I could not picture myself unplugging the iron that morning. I could remember thinking it's a bad idea, ironing half asleep, I could remember thinking how awful it would be if I forgot to unplug it... and then I couldn't remember if I did. I quietly walked out of the big hall, packed my bag, ordered an Uber, hurriedly confessed to my husband and dropped a line to my manager "something's come up, have to rush home". Assuming there is one left.
Crossing the bridge in the white hybrid Uber, I imagined what I would do if... in 2 hours a house could burn down into a pile of soot, a house we couldn't afford anymore in this market, but the neighbours would have called, surely, I glimpsed out of the car window across the bridge searching for black smoke going up on the shore, I could see the tall block of apartments on our street, the sky was blue, a perfectly ordinary day.
You post a photo of your holiday from the wrong angle and some ex-colleague asks if you're "pregnant or something?"
1 gone.
You walk into the conference hall from a presentation you could hardly follow let alone comment on. You do your best to avoid anyone you know. Someone you vaguely remember asks "So how's work? You must be a senior or something by now?"
2 gone.
You're having dinner with a friend you haven't seen in ages, saying how tired you always are. His new girlfriend suggests "You should try doing something you enjoy everyday. I have weekly free style painting get togethers with my friends. You should do something like that. it relaxes you...". 3 years in this city and I have no friends.
3 gone.
The white hybrid turns into the driveway, you breath in the clean air & look at your little perfectly alright home.
Something is still standing.
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